My life is rich with conversations with people in all kinds of recovery–it is like being on a spiritual hamster wheel–seeing the same concepts that I’ve lived, relishing the newness of more pleasant ways to choose life. So here is a typical conversation that I think hits some normal human conundrums.
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“I did not pay for any of it and I feel so small.” What an excellent and
familiar phrase. Receiving has been an astounding spiritual practice
for me. It was explained to me as if we are a circulation of good
inside of us. If we don’t open up and graciously receive, the pipeline
to goodness is blocked. I kept just giving all my money to the kids,
and my spiritual mentor said to me, “If God gave you a beautiful jewel,
would you just throw it away?” “No!” “Well then,” he said, “Appreciate
everything you are given, and hold on to what you are given and cherish
it. Then you might share it with others.” I was then aware of all sorts of gifts–lunches, presents,
friends, time of rest, messages, etc. And saw the world as a gift to
simply breathe in and open up to receive. Plus we love to give to
people, yes? We should then let others enjoy the true pleasure of
giving–to us!
I remember having to let
go of what others thought of my marriage. When you mentioned the
“inequity and control in our marriage”–that’s someone else’s opinion of
what they see–based on their own personal experience. If you want to
be like them, you might value their opinion. If you want to enjoy where
you are, see it from your point of view. I hear much much balance and
increased depth going on with your conversations and self-assertion. It
looks to be like you are both learning more ways to be open and kind to
one another.
“I know he isn’t going to leave but I also know I probably will not
get
my way. I feel stuck in a box.” The techniques I would suggest
for that is to again, practice your truth in a compassionate manner.
The fear (barking dog) of my partner leaving is ever-present, actually.
I believe it is the ageless human fear of being unloved, and it being
“my” fault. It is a classic adult child of an alcoholic fear–that the kid, powerless over
alcoholic/dysfunctional/
does causes trouble. It is NOT true. There is trouble and blame and
shame is the dysfunctional tool that is used–unspoken guilt another
one.
I had to recognize that I couldn’t predict what my ex-husband would do, so my
lesson was to speak my truth to the middle of the road from my side,
and let him take it from there as he would. Not my business from there
out. I still have to practice feeling loved in the midst of telling
my partner that I can barely be with her under certain circumstances. We talk
honestly some times wondering if some issue will be the end of us. And
then things change and here we still are–the mystery and magic of
love–God’s love.
“I am so frustrated that I am the one having to do all the work in
counseling and just hoping and praying it is enough. I am the one that
gets drugged because there isn’t enough support or communication..”
Yes, I always was pissed off that I HAD TO CHANGE, that I WAS WRONG.
But eventually I felt the richness of being true to myself and it didn’t
matter what the effect was on the relationship because my life was so
good. Then, as it is said, all that didn’t support the love of the
Divine and it in my life, just fell away. If I don’t feed the weeds of
what I don’t want, and water the flowers, my garden looks better and
better and I just enjoy my garden.
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Today I am in bliss in a garden of Her Love. To be in awe of the flowers around me and know that even weeds are just misplaced blossoms. Gratitude abounds.