This is the #1 rule that keeps
old negative behavior patterns going.  We
are taught:

Don’t feel.  Don’t talk.  And certainly don’t talk about your feelings.

Don’t say
anything; ignore it, it will go away.

Don’t be a
wimp; stop complaining.

It’s nobody’s
business; we can handle it ourselves.

It’s none of
your business. 

Shut up.  What do you know?!

Don’t get
involved.

It’s not that
bad.  I’m FINE.  (Freaked
out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional).

One example
of this tendency would be dealing with an alcoholic 25-50 years ago: no one
want’s the embarrassing truth to get out. 
Even families who may have had members with mental illness, unexplained
sickness (epilepsy, fetal alcohol syndrome, attention deficit disorder,
addiction), and even crimes, would be adamant about keeping things quiet.  Years ago even divorce was a source of humiliation
and details were hid securely in a closet.

The problem
now is that you are as sick as your
secrets–even those handed down from generation to generation without
words.  They can fester like an
untreated, unacknowledged wound.  The
abhorrence of speaking about a trauma, abomination, tragedy, betrayal or
abandonment is too much to bear. 
Unfortunately, the task of carrying it around during our lives,
pretending to forget about it, is like having a mangled arm at our side,
bleeding profusely, and covering it up, arguing with others that “We’re
just fine.”

A solution
is to find a safe place to unload these secrets.  It used to be called
“confession”.  Now we sit with
hundreds of different kinds of therapists and counselors.  We search out similar people with familiar
backgrounds.  Writing can help.  You don’t have to show it to anyone, just get
those sick memories, resentments, burdens out of your mind.  The “Anonymous” groups can be a
place to listen.  No one uses last names
or discloses identifying details; they just share pain and experiences all
laced with hope of healing.  You
will find that your secret is not totally unique, that there are others who’ve
been through the pain and you can search out a path of untangling.

Dig out the
secrets, wash out the wound (tears are inevitable), open up that closet door
and let the light shine in.