Fear and faith have to be best friends: BFFs.  Because fear is a natural part of our infinite spiritual selves being centered in this very material body (or the belief thereof).  Thus fear of dying, pain, and old age–limitation–is always with us.  It is an illusionary existence after all.

But only when fear can know that faith is tenderly always holding her hand, can that trepidatious little one can venture out first steps, running and soaring with dreams.

Funny how fear then seems to loom in sunset years, after a life of risk-taking adventures that have proved secure.  Maybe not secure or safe, but I’m here.  Doubt, that other friend of fear, hangs about and gossips about my past–never were secure, only stupid.  Well, the Divine favors the crazy it seems, as I’m still standing.

Yet my faith needs to be stronger, bigger, able to take on taller hallucinatory buildings of “what if” “how to” “not sure” and “scared.”  Maybe it is increased desire that calls forth new fears.  Tao says when there is no desire, there is peace.

Going with the flow, desires, fears and faith, is the first principle.  Like nature, I will dance in the storm.

Today brings to me to contemplation of the polarities of life: be simple, watch the unending sky, or plan to be of service?  Create a feast for friends, or take a walk and see squirrels.   Do taxes, laundry, errands?  Or sit in my bed watching the day cross the window’s light.

All comes down to decisions.  I was told yesterday that feelings inform decisions.  So now to review feelings.  Up and down, back and forth here and there.  Useless bouncing it seems.

Time for nit-picking through tiny indications of the flow.  letting feelings like rivelets wander through my bedroom and apartment until the next indicated action whispers me into action.

Blue sky clarity beyond wisps and sunspots.

That’s what I did yesterday.  I won’t lie and say I didn’t wish I would get flowers at work, but I did engage with friends, we shared our affection. And that is awesome.  I sat in deep gratitude meditation for a long time and love of How It Is washed over me and filled me up to overflowing.

Now with a busy day, here is the intention to claim that overflowing, to listen for hours, to be present, to be.

If you want to be filled up, you must empty.  Thus the path of emptying looms before me.  My confusion and doubt is the Divine Way of reminding me to keep on the Path, slow, sure, hand in hand with the Friend who never leaves me.

Dear One.  I walk  in Your Way, practicing love for each of my steps, my breath, my skin with You within.

What is soft is strong.  Water.  Silk. The tree.  Nature.  And acceptance changes everything.  Surrender to the flow helps things move much faster than fighting it.

We certainly can direct our surfing in a certain way, see how it goes–sink or swim.  We can make intentions and choose paths, but when life gives us walls and barriers, we need to be like water and work around them, recognize how the river is flowing down hill, whether we want it to go that way or not.

Upset tummy. Too much carbos.  Achy.  Time to surrender to a better body flow.  And now into the flow of traffic.

Breathe in me the way to love You that I may faultlessly love You.  Pour me the wisdom wine so I can be intoxicated with You.  With your silent eyes, just look at me and I will know where to find You.

In the mirroring light of my love, You are revealed.

I am an astrologer, so I study the seasons, cycles, how the planets shine on each other like night/day, summer/winter and growing seasons for each of us planted so firmly on this lovely earth.

But no matter what I see or how the storm lines up on the weather map, rain is just rain, snow is just snow.  I keep breathing through it even if the earth cracks open beneath my feet unexpectedly–no matter how I study the stars.

But knowing that there is flow, rhythm and polarity, is essential to me.  Recognizing that winter is not constant.  Even the Antarctic has seasons, since we live on a globe.  Circles within circles, seasons within seasons.  It came to pass, not to stay.

My challenge throughout, however, is feeling valid when I stumble., when I am alone and bouncing off the walls of spider solitaire once again, wondering about my next smallest action that seems so useless and fruitless and alone.

I touch that bubble thought with a feather and poof! I am good, whole and snuggled in Your arms once again.

Ok, I can be that.  Sometimes too much–too flexible  Allowing the other to do what they will and I follow.  I was explaining that I have been through my years like a bat–sending mind-reading sound waves to you and around me, waiting to feel the resonance back, and then finding my way around relationships.

But sometimes nothing comes back.  No resonance, no acknowledgement, no attention.  Then, as a true codependent, I can go crazy nagging you, “helping” you, and trying to fix you so you will notice me.  It doesn’t work out that well.

When that happens, like a river I should just keep going–flowing.  What an unmovable object does to a river is none of its concern.  Still for a human, it can be disconcerting.  If I make a noise in the woods next to you and you don’t see me–am I real at all?

That is why I have a nearby godface.  I pull on the smooth cheek of the Dear One who whispers sweet everythings in my ear, into my sensitive neck.  Or I call on the 8 ft tall Celtic Warrior with artillery of love, standing true and steady beside me revealing my confidence.  Or a tiny white pigeon walks nearby me, and the Divine giggles as She putters around on the sidewalk, saying “how do I look now?”

That’s a practice here and now–to relax in loneliness.  To open the gift of being here, now, far from the new life beginning in our family.  Far from the excitement of celebration, miles and miles from what seems to be the most important  event of the century.

With this gift I can contemplate my needs of habit and consider a new face.  Befriending this alone-ness I can prepare myself for that ache even in a crowded family gathering.  Accepting this present, I can better see people for living THEIR own lives and not accommodating my story of grasping for affection and attention.

The Dear One insists we have a party, that the three of us sit and have tea.  Chatting with loneliness, I become a better friend, and we are companions that can giggle at the adventure of human life forever.

Snow.  Lately there has been quite a bit of it.  Even in the mild Pacific Northwest.

Frozen water flakes.  Feelings so still that they are cold.  If I can let them rest on the trees, they will be warmed into nourishment, licked with the fir lips, gently welcomed into the roots.

Let my tumbled rumbling tossed and turning restless irritated and discontent swirls of salt tears be stilled.  Be still and know that I Am.

There is only AllTthat Is.  This cold white morning, warm room in my heart can open up to easy next actions.  One tiny next indicated thing at a time.

Rest in loving arms.

Woke with the residual intense feeling of a weird and impressive dream.  That my time would come, ship come in, travel be successful.  Now I am considering much travel, but it sure felt like–your ticket home to heaven is guaranteed.

Well fuck that shit.  I don’t want to die right now.  I have a granddaughter to meet on the planet.  I’ve spoken to her many times in spirit, but I will be arguing if I die and don’t get to see her here.  Just saying.

So I wrote a note on my table in case I don’t make it back to this cute cozy cold apartment.  But I think I will.  I looked at my astrological aspects, and there are many that talk about deep fears of intense changes–like death and all..  I’ll be awake and aware today while driving.  Pretty much all I can do.  And go on with the day.

So Dear One, it’s all yours.  The How of Tao will flow with me on the river as it does.  I’ll keep my eyes and ears open.  Oh, and I do have clean underwear on.

Whether you’ve been living among us for a while, or just watching from the fields, sky and trees–hopefully these small notes about being human, being a spirit inside these delicate protoplasmic bundles, can let you know more about our days.

Human is such a balance of mind (judgment/competition/discernment), heart (unspeakable love and feelings) and body (terminal and beautiful).  Some of us seem to be more successful than others, but death is just the end of one match.  I believe we return time after time to experiment with different angles like the modern archetypes: Kurt Cobain closet, Bill Gates power, the beauty of Diana, victims of horrible tragedy (911) and passionate fierce warriors (911 again, actually).

So hello out there.