What a challenge Krishna gives me–to be unattached to the outcomes of anything I do.  Wise one’s are completely inactive and get all actions done with this kind of detachment.  How can I be cool when someone attacks me for my actions?  What do I need to believe when I often feel all my decisions are wrong, mistakes made continuously, and ineptness follows me like a dark cloud.

To set this all aside for the sweet Presence again and again and again.  It is the Father that does these things.  I am and the Mother are One.  The Light comes from within, take the basket off your lantern.  The Tao defies duality.  The sun is always shining, even when I turn my back and hide in the self-effacing darkness, covers over my head, burrowed into Your Dear Shoulder of love.

And
then the frozen fear takes over and aids the procrastination, the I don’t wanna
do anything, the mule the digging in of the heels, the want to just take a walk,
can I just take a walk?

Never enough time.  How can I believe–what’s the opposite?  I have
plenty of time to choose the right next action. 
I have plenty of time to handle the next right task. 

I have all the time in the world to sit and
envelope myself in the divine, as the Divine is endless and laughs out loud at the mere idea of time.

What I am right now doesn’t seem to be working.  It’s like trying to stuff myself into time and work a square hole when I am so round–ha–and more rounded every day!  With massive training in “your intention is your life” bullshit, I see that my frustration can yield more frustration and I need that carrot of an image showing me fitting easily and lovingly and comfortably inside my skin.

But I’m in the middle of this style change.  You can’t just throw off all your clothes and get a while new style.  There is this one shirt like this, one pair of pants, then try them with new shoes, nope, take off the shirt.  And, since I freaking HATE shopping, I do want to throw all of it out the window and stay in my old worn holey pajamas in bed.

I am a sensitive, childish, defensive person.  And lately I’m getting the message that I just have to accept the gift in that and move forward step by step by breath to embrace who I am and be it without apology.  I do feel like Arjuna–“Overwhelmed by sorry, Arjuna spoke these words and casting away his bow and his arrows, he sat down in his chariot in the middle of the battlefield.”

And Krishna said (among much other loving loving talk) and says now to me: “The wise are not deluded by these changes….These experiences are fleeting; they come and go. Bear them patiently.. Assert your strength and realize this!”

I am a bear today, asserting who exactly I am, up and down, with patience and calm.  I have the strength to lumber through the day scratching for berries.  I can rise up and roar at self-criticism and curl up around the warmth of a cave to hibernate.  I bare myself to my Divine Mother who nurtures me always.  Even when I throw myself on the floor in an exhausting tantrum.

So something is going on, I feel lost.  I know I’m not lost, I know that I’m in the hands of the Divine at every mini-second, but this human life can be hard sometimes.

If I could keep the idea of the Divine living through me, I’d be in delight at every second–trees, keyboard, keepsakes, breathing, hair, walking, seasonal changes, feelings, thoughts–all a human joyride.

But then I get trapped and ambushed by the illusion of reality: fear, worry for my children, stiff and concrete back and neck muscles, insufficiencies, making mistakes, stumbling and even simply oversleeping because I didn’t set the alarm right.  These little things can set me off.

Sweet Heaven, whisper your love to me today.  Show me the delight of your Creative Hand in everything I do, everything I see, hear and simply AM.

Surrender surrender surrender.  To the time that ticks away so fast.  To the tasks on my desk that loom and torture and snafu over and over again while my boss asks me for the next anticipated completion date.  To the traffic that simply stops.  To the people asking, to my screaming desire to run in the other direction.  To the rage that makes me want to smash my smartphone against the concrete divider in the highway while I trudge at 5 mph on the long commute home over a couple miles.

Release, let go, give it up, accept life on life’s terms.  Ha.  Why is that so freaking hard?!?!  I mean, I’m trying not to slam into the bloody wall and just turn left, but being on this twisty road I guess I ignored the sign down below “WARNING!  Primitive road–no warning signs!”  Potholes of expectations, drop offs of self criticism, narrow bridges where I have to yield to others.

Today I stop, slow down and look for the gift that calls for me to accept.  So I say in advance:

Thank you for this gift of delightful life.  Thank you for the trees that are eternal to me.  Thank you for the ability to speak.  Thank you for my consciousness to keep silent and feel Your loving hand on my shoulder, Your cool reassuring touch on my hand that we are going in the right direction and I can slow down and enjoy all these visions of You.

But when it comes to praying vs. taking a shower, what do I do.  HA, I sit in prayer. I don’t care if I’m dirty, or smelly, or messy, I need need need the connection with the Divine to move through the day.  Despite that I’m off and “doing” first thing in the morning, I know my day will move easier if I hold Her hand for a dear moment in the quiet house before dawn.

The gift of touching the indescribable peace and silk smooth comfort of Her hand, well, sit for a moment and imagine it.

There, now don’t you feel better?  Compassion and support, Presence and goodness.  I hear Her say: Everything is alright, keep your eyes on Me.  Bend, stretch, move with the wind, but you will not falter, as I have you in the dear grasp of My Hand.

I’m free to be me, but that shifts constantly.  And my feelings and beliefs plague me with stories about what I am, what I do, how I should be.  Setting all this aside is not an easy task.

The Bhagavad Gita says: “The wise are ever
satisfied…Free from expectations and from all sense of possession,
with mind and body firmly controlled by the Self…they life in freedom
who have gone beyond the dualities of life..”

And I try to sit in quiet wisdom, but I am a restless anxious being, built with the idea that if I’m not “doing” something, I don’t exist.  So releasing expectations feels like it means not moving with passion.  Passion is what pushes the doing.

Even Krishna chides Arjuna to get out there and fight–live your dharma.  But don’t get into right or wrong, if you live or die, win or lose, just fight for what you think is right.  What if what you fight for seems not to work and you need to turn the corner to keep alive and feel sane?

Here’s where I intend to be today–release duality, expectations and judgments.  Watch the trees for answers–bend, wave, lose the leaves, go deep into roots.  There is no coldness.  I am never alone.

Hafiz says he starts his day seeking out love; I stumble.

I
awake and consider the ache in my body

Stiff
from being flat out

Tired
of tossing and turning for the right position

That
continually fleets away once I get there.

My
limbs get numb

Rest
only yields restlessness.

Am
I tired of the body-living thing?

Or
is it just that I’m tired.

Or
the body is tired?

It
has been years in this skin.

Focused
on love

Like
turning to the sun all the time

A
flower, a plant,

No
matter the twisting will

Turn
and turn again.

Seeking
is the secret of the universe

To
seek more, seek the sun, seek light

Seek
the bliss of being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

My
dharma.

Whether
it is being a soldier and fighting

Or
fighting the idea of war from afar.

Loving
a child or

Fighting
the love of a child away or

Loving
that child into a fight.

We
simply get twisted.

I
yearn body and soul for the simple life

To
turn my head to the sun.

Even
if it is beyond all clouds

Behind
stormy fierce-blowing winds

Sideways
rain that obscures the sight

White
blindness in snow

Frozen
forever in a glacier

To
be present in the warmth of

Love’s
breath.

To
insist on this love-infused life

I
take my direction from the trees

Grass
leaves falling

Mountain
stillness

Warmth
in your eyes within.

Life is just filled with adjusting.  Ready to send a file–nope, won’t go.  No reason, just won’t go.  Ready to copy something.  Nope won’t copy.  Even if I finally recognize a reason, can’t copy it here.  Want to cook something, get ready, nope, missing ingredients, wrong pan.  Moving forward living my life plan–whoops, nope, not that way.

The thing about hitting walls in life is the hope that I can see them coming better.  Or at least don’t have to slam into it over and over again expecting it to move “Because I SAID SO!”  Amazing the amount of control we continue to believe we have, despite all shifts in the path.

That’s why the labyrinth is such a telling illustration of life–it is one path, our feet never leave the ground, but it wanders in and out and here and there–this one path–goes to the center and out again.  No tricks really, just wandering.

The trick, actually, is to wander with wonder, not with any illusion of control.  Or you can simply roll up the rope marking out the twisted path, and be in the open field, on a hill, watching the grace of the earth’s sunrise once again.

Cherishing the day today on the Way.

There is a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It can come as you sit next to the bedside of your mom slowly leaving the world.  Or just before you hand the last piece of chocolate for your old dog to the vet who will administer his last shot.  Perhaps in the middle of screaming about traffic, there is a soft stillness of acceptance just before you open the windows and notice the scent of the pine trees lining the highway.

Near death usually bring a bittersweet peace.  I am here now, not there, then.  I have the workings of my feet and hands and heart and eyes–so far.  If I want to get tho this peace, all I have to do is to recognize the gifts that I have.  Even while I am saying goodbye to those I have enjoyed in the past that now I move move move to another neighborhood perhaps.

Every neighborhood has this peace, and I dwell in the house of my Lady forever.