If I was a life actor, I’d be listening diligently to the director, reading the script and following direction.  I’d investigate what would be my motivation in the role, listen for cues and display the best emotion and reaction as appropriate.

I get distracted by what I think should be the play, the script, the direction.  There is this control and expectation of what “should” be taking place that pulls me way off the plans–the Director’s plans.

Lucky for me She is also open to improvisation.  If I get off script and try my own dialogue and act out, the Path always brings me back to Her.  As she stands there saying, “how did that work for you?”  I get the picture again and again to lean on Her ideas throughout the day.

That’s what will be, as I be, today.

That’s a phrase someone uses to shrug off what sounds like a stupid idea that someone is determined to try.  “Suit yourself.” 

But on the other hand, are we to choose our own life’s path?  Are we to make sure we are loving ourselves first before doing what other people think is right?  If the Divine is within us, can we really make a wrong turn?

Sure, we’ll go on some horrendous detours with doubtful decisions, but even dying is not a wrong turn, but an inevitable exit.  Suffering is determined to be a feedback loop, a time to stop, a way to recognize a “dis-ease” that we are trying to deny.  Or just a method that allows us to turn the corner.

But a selfish, thoughtless, arrogant, blind, power-hungry path of self-centered fear does not seem to serve.  But it certainly will speed up the labyrinth walk–always going within or leaving the circle completely.  It still goes round and round and round and round.

Enjoying the Path, hand in hand with the Divine One seem so much more peaceful.  I want to stay in the center always.

I am one of those living a tortured life thinking I know it all.  The oldest of nine, parent of two, financially independent my whole life, traveling alone here and there.  Not particularly educated, but geez, do I think I know it all.  And this self-centered false assurance creates an illusionary environment around me that I don’t even SEE the reality that others see.

After complaining and whining vigorously that “they don’t listen to me–I do know how to fix this!  Why don’t they like me!??” someone once told me that no one likes a “know-it-all”.  If I wanted to be liked, I should be kind, not “smart”.  ARGH.  That hit me hard.

Unfortunately, I get it mixed up.  When I was a kid and got “A”s, I got attention from my mom.  I mix that up thinking that if I’m showing myself to be smart (not really being smart, acting smart), I’ll get attention.  Well that didn’t work, so I started being naughty for attention.  That backfired too.

So here I am trying to be authentic and my smart-assness gets me out of balance, my need for attention trips me up.  Phew.  Today I just hope to hold my own space.

Goddess bless.

Good luck with that one.  Would the Dalai Lama be spiritual if he wasn’t one of the primary spiritual figureheads in the world?  Does he have any ego in there at all?  I know he is attended by many monks each day.  Would Princess Diana be so saint-like if she hadn’t been gifted with wealth and free time?  Did Mother Theresa get some kind of feeling of being needed–feeding her tiny ego–by helping such sick needy people?

I’m not trying to tear them down, I’m wondering if we can ever get rid of the desire to be noticed, get attention, be in the spotlight.  Is it just me that tries to be appreciated for doing something good?  And then if someone needs me, I’m guaranteed–at least in one set of eyes–to be good, or helpful.

Can I truly be emotionally autonomous to being needed, appreciated or loved?  And could I ever truly love myself enough not to  be pouty and selfish about trying to get attention from others.

Thought for the day.  FEEL loved and appreciated every second.  Pretend the world loves me just the way I am.

What would it be like to be emotionally free of other people’s actions?  That is I wouldn’t be reactive when I felt someone disrespected me with a rousing urge to snap and snarl at them. How DARE they?!?!

What would it be to feel open and laughing at that kind of behavior rather than reactive and angry?  I suppose it would feel relaxing and humorous.  Like someone playing tag trying to catch you so you’re “it”.

But isn’t that feeling of anger and resentment a signal that some kind of border is being broached?  If people don’t like me, I really don’t need to choose to hang out with them.  That’s self-torture, perhaps based on that deep desire for people to like me.  Ha–if they don’t, I’m outta here!  What a typical escapist reaction.

Today I cover myself with compassionate Divine teflon–so my heart is safe within the womb of faith, and all seemingly hurtful behavior around me just slides off me like a new protected pan.  Nothing sticks to me, and I don’t grab at errant remarks trying to make a scene (aka get attention).

Can’t touch this!

Funny thing about feeling stuck is that if I can completely accept the fact that I’m stuck, I have a chance to see the gift (that’s a meaning of acceptance anyway).  What is the gift of being stuck.  I can’t move, I am resistant to everything, I’m pouty.

A gift is to be kind to myself when I’m acting like a piteous child.  I obviously am looking for attention, and since I’ve been programmed to be reactive to others, when others don’t show me the attention I believe I need, I’m pouty. That makes sense to this twisted, wired-backwards person.

I guess I have to get used to giving myself attention, realizing and feeling the attention from the Divine and cultivating a new spring of refreshment from that kind of love.  Perhaps I will be like a beaver, and cut down my resistance, lay it over the stream and capture all the love for myself–to live in the love.

Now that sounds like a good idea.

I heard the phrase once “NO is a very spiritual word.”  Telling people “no,” “no thank you,” “don’t want to,” “you can’t do that” is setting spiritual boundaries, clarifying borders of acceptable behavior.  It takes clear courage to have those kinds of conversations with people I care about.

Like having those one-to-one meetings with staff members and giving “hard feedback”.  What a talent to clarify team goals, point out how their behavior doesn’t work, listen and listen, and then carve out the path that they need to follow for better performance.  Plus then I am like a traffic cop, wondering when to give warnings vs. fines for them wandering off the path.

And is the wandering intentional, because lack of attention, or inability?  Does this person need training or a kick in the pants.  And the resistant ones who insist they are listening and their cold shoulder freezes up the room.

Today I want to stay on the Way of kindness and gently remind them of the path they choose.  An observer who clarifies.  And in the background hear the Dear One reminding me the same.

Sometimes I rise to the occasion and surf the energy of the day.  And other mornings I just sit with my head in my hands and can’t move or feel any urge.  I don’t even want to go back to bed.  Just sit and wonder what’s next–what will move me next.

I know that just sitting is a guaranteed way to recognize the next action–which is usually getting food or peeing.  And I’ve prayed for motivation, inspiration and discipline and received that gift.  Then I got too busy and crashed.  So here I am seeking a new kind of balance.

Sitting in the fallow of the wave, watching the next right action come right up to my fingertips or feet.  I can feel the Divine’s sweet breath at my neck with the music of Her giggle.  She reminds me that all sorts of excitement is ahead–that we both already arranged. 

“Enjoy the quiet,” She whispers.

Feeling a bit aimless this morning. This project of taking care of myself instead of taking care of others is getting boring.  I wonder why that is?  I’m not able to automatically unlock the stiffness in my neck, the soreness in my back and the aches from sitting too much.  I violently resist exercise, have no ability to “serenely adjust myself to self-discipline”.

Taking care of others was such a purpose throughout my life, and finding my direction by bouncing off the desires of you was the way I found my path.

So my purpose today is to be aimless, to follow the next indicated action that comes right up to my feet and nudges me–without judgment or argument.  I’m on the Divine Path, I’d just rather sit all day under the trees and sketch. 

Faith flings me into the fog.

Pause to think before speaking.

Pause to settle the shoulders down.

Pause to take a drink of cool water.

Pause when someone is angry in front of me.

Pause when she is crying.

Pause when doubtful.

Pause when over-confident.

Pause when terrified.

Pause when joyful–cherish it softly.

Pause.