Feeling judged, I am now called to very distinctly judge my staff–financially, professionally and emotionally.  Everyone is clear that the workplace is an emotional hotbed.  And that the manager is lucky to see the tip of the iceberg of it all.

But here it is, my duty to give them a ranking–inefficient at very best that transforms into their year end check, for holiday presents, food, and sometimes survival of the fittest.

Tis the season of endings, sad memories of family lost–even if still living in isolation far away.  The time of release, the time to comfort oneself sufficiently so that comfort can be shared.

Clarity and compassion is called upon today.  Peace that passes all understanding.

Accepting this pitiful period of self-centered doubt is irritating but necessary.  From experience I know that sitting on the pity pot eventually will give me a ring around the butt.  I get sick of myself being down, tired of the insufficiency feeling, bored with the lack of confidence.

The problem has been then sometimes I vacillate over to rash behavior.  Dye my hair.  Take an expensive trip.  Spend money.  Ruin a family.  The inner warrior gets disgusted with the inertia and just DOES something.

Not sure I’m there yet.  Still a bit isolating, liking imaginary wounds.  Even my obsession with reading books has waned and I merely go to sleep early.

So I bow to the Divine today to distract me with kindness, miracles and beauty.  Trees in the dark.  Cozy car.  Music from a friend.  Heat humming in the house.  Cats whining for food.  Sunflowers on the table.

Sticking to the little brilliance of life today as if it is the most precious in the universe.  And the Loving One has placed a feast out for me.  I eat slowly.

Not sure about this human trip.  Am I truly connected to an all-encompassing loving spirit?  Are we merely pawns in an inter-galactic board game?  Is my consciousness better than the plant–or will they finally take over the earth after us bi-peds scrape the earth’s crust of food?

Dunno.  Obviously it doesn’t really matter what i believe except to me.  if I feel nihilistic, I’m wanting to break things and quit my job.  If I feel I have a purpose, I look around like I’m on a treasure hunt.  But mostly I find ways to keep trudging–as killing myself just seems to much trouble.  I’ll die eventually anyway and hopefully–learn more about the basic business going on here.

So in the meantime, as I don silly clothes, groom myself for the culture game ahead, I choose to dive into the Divine.  It simply does me good to be close to a warm dear sense of wonder and deep caring.  I lean into Loveliness, nestle into the neck of Her safety and comfort.  Believing that I am cherished, no matter where on earth my faltering feet trepidatiously step.

Between here and there.  What is here and there?  When is up and how is it “down” begins?  uWhat is cold and when does it torn into hot?  Who is a friend, who is not?  How does a war start, or a peace begin?

Today is in between worlds.  The ghosts swarm around us to whisper the promise and threat of life’s border.  Are they friendly ghosts?  I yearn to throw myself into that brief interlude where the veil separates the worlds. 

I sit and relish the sky, green, wind, earth, rain, lover.  And then I retreat deep within to the eternity of All That Is.

Dancing with the veil today like scarves.

If I don’t like something that is happening to me–or that I believe is happening to me–I fight it. Get defensive, self-righteous and angry.  It isn’t fair, shouldn’t be happening.  Or maybe if it is a mistake, I get depressed and despondent thinking that I am less and less and less than what I should be.  “Should” be–compared to some hallucinatory level of competence that is only visible when I fall below it.

Hard to be spontaneous in a corporate climate with a judging mind.

So I yield to the Divine that lives in the trees.  There is no judgment in a forest.  A dead mouse, a baby rabbit and a hoard of gnats all have their integrity.  Ants on corpses, fallen ancient timber and days of downpour are brilliantly beautiful.  Everything in it’s place at each second easily and comfortably.

I claim ease and comfort as I cherish the forest within me and around me.

The minute I get entangled in my “self-worth”, I get lost. The inner idiot wails: “Who am I?  What am I doing here?  Did i do that right?  Nobody cares about me.  I”m a useless cog in an unfathomably huge universe.  I’m forgettable.  I have made no impact on the world, so why do I bother with anything?”  etc etc ad nausem.

The mind grasps that comparing tool–right/wrong, yes/no, better/best/worse, and just grips it and shakes it like a dog with a good stick.  Gnarls it to splinters and eats them too.

Whatever spirit is, it’s not that.  Open hearted, forest filled, sweet earth air points my scattered manic attention to a bush, a tree, a stone on the ground.  What is it about me that fights reality, is pissed that I am human and tiny?

It is that part of me that knows I AM at one with the unfathomably huge universe.  And using my agile imaginative mind, I remind my heart of the Dear One’s shoulder, Her soothing lullaby and Her eyes that reach to my soul and tell me I am Her Beloved.

Discovering joy, exclaiming surprise, and creating a verbal boundary are some uses of this simple word.  Gratitude is a heart-warming event that resets our attitude and altitude in the day.

I am so grateful today that my partner fixed the dryer that has been screaming and whining for months and months.  Phew & wow.  It is a crazy thing that we waited so long to fix it, and the thanksgiving is so much more.

“Wow” helps too, to create a verbal boundary.  If someone starts talking and seems to want to pull me into an abyss of negative energy, just saying “wow” seems to acknowledge their feelings, but keeps me on my side of the conversation.  I don’t coax them, support them or fight them.

Then I can walk away with my body free of clinging emotional garbage from another.  Today can be a “wow” day of gratitude.

Balance means something different to me than it did years ago.  I saw myself in the middle of a teeter totter, with feet almost on both sides, rising and falling to keep myself steady.  Now I see myself over one side BUMP hitting the ground and slowly moving to the middle and perhaps to the other side BUMP.  Without judgment.

Codependent one minute, pissed because I don’t get enough attention for it, realizing my internal game, then shame that I tried to bribe with a good deed.  Speaking sharply to create a boundary, hearing my hurtful words from a tired body, trying to pull back the statement, shame at my insufficiencies.

Back and forth,  back and forth.  I cherish the long deep slow breath that brings me back to the purity beyond the land of right and wrong.  Standing at the edge of the old forest seeing the full sunset golden field in front of me, I balance.

The human world is certainly a challenge–or at least it can be.  When we take the material world a bit too seriously, we are doomed.  Nothing changes the mountain.  Weather persists despite all complaints and the tides will not stop when we scream. 

Life comes in, goes up, expands and contracts.  Going with this Tao-flow is our navigational practice.  When a child meets trauma and drama, how can a parent pave their way for them?  There is no calming a fellow worker when they are convinced of injustice.  A brother is sentenced to harsh realities, and we send prayers and music.

As a fellow who was dying said: “I’ve got the easy part–it’s you all left here that have the hard work.”

Today I die to the illusionary tragedy of some lives around me and revel in the bliss intrinsic in the bright wet green and gold of autumn leaves.  What is essential is invisible to the eye.

I have the delight of officiating at a wedding this weekend.  It is such a joy to bless the committed love of a couple in the witnessing presence of their family and friends.  It is a risk they take too, in this culture, to say “forever, and sometimes it is like watching crazed gamblers throw all their money on their gut-wrenching intuition.

I’ve done a number of weddings.  Some persist and some didn’t last long at all.  I don’t give out any guarantees, as i am just a witness and do the blessing to call it good.  It is not easy to keep a companionship going when we all grow so fast, differently and vigorously search for more of our good in our own ways.

But watching the love–no matter if it looks like their child already brewing or running around, their parents presence from the other side, or pomp and circumstance with champagne, lace and laughter.  Seeing families set aside their differences so multiple sets of parents sit in the same room to wish a young couple luck.  I relish this positive energy.

May we all be blessed with loving kindness coming together to make more and more.