So one thing that comes to me is a pesky advertising banner on my laptop–ARGH.  I don’t want that thank you no.

Going is a friend, off to the Peace Corps in the Balkans for 2+ years.  Leaving an empty space that I’m sure will heal up; still leaving a friendly open space in my heart.

This here and now is a gift, as we come and go.  There and then is a memory.

Bless bless bless us all, every moment.

Ah the dear brain  The human mind.  What a wonderful organ for earth living.  Don’t walk into a rushing buffalo herd.  Don’t keep your hand in the fire.  Yes, do walk with pleasant friends, yes, wipe off chunks of dirt that don’t serve.

But oh my oh my, does it get overzealous.  FREAK out with change!!!  It hurts it hurts it hurts–run, hide, fight!!  It turns out that fear creates things to be afraid of.  Fire can be useful, and buffalo can be friends.

Thus to enjoy the moment, the dear hear and now, it is a tuning up of calming the good smart strong ego mind that compares for protection.

Instead, let’s play in the wind.  I walk on the beach in a storm, rubber boots, full coat and no hat–letting the wet salt of life, love and tears polish me smooth.

After a decision is made, then there is the preparation for the actual action.  But sometimes the decision is made and there is months before action is required.  The low point when the tide has not quite turned.  The high point when the tide is at its height and sits covering everything before it polishes it back to fine sand.

A numbness to breathe into.  Watching and caring about me while nothing happens.  Until sometime builds up to happen again.  Sun slowly moves across the couch.  Hunger rises.  Duties call.

Here and now mystery of the universe.

Juxtaposition is a good word.  Being here and now and feeling nowhere and conflicted.

Perfect warm sunny California morning.  Thinking about my dear cloudy foggy misty Pacific Northwest.  Delightful moments snuggled with my daughter, plans ahead for grand granddaughter baby sitting.  Adventure awaiting for a move here.

Terror.  Insecurity.  Lost.  Unloved.  The fear talking now.  Making friends with the little frightened girl inside who recognizes a change ahead.  Monsters of death, dying, loss, heartache mix with the excitement of new friends travel, deep joy and transformation.

What a ride.

So I reach out for the core of my heat, the Dear One, the trees outside this window.  Standing for the Path that never ends.  Still and pure with All That Is.  Ever present.  Close to my cheek like newborn skin.

I’m looking out at a different view today.  California sun, Eucalyptus trees, gnarly ocean-side oaks.  traffic.  Sun.

The mind is a marvelous organ.  and just chatters a bit now and again.  Creates turmoil and swirls up flotsam and jetsam all clamoring for attention.

I claim stillness.

Pema talks about the art of living in the crossroads of the path–in ambiguity and puzzlement.  That tis is the heart of the matter–being comfortable with that insecurity, curiously gentle, growing in self- and other-love.

I bow to my angst, up and down to beauty and love.

What would the Divine do if She were me today?  That question reminds me that we are, I am, intrinsically made of Divine Stuff, Love Stuff, Star Stuff, Glory of All That Is, emanations from the Prime, Children of God, Creations of Mother Nature.

I’d certainly feel more comfortable with this Great Adventure.  No problems.  No grasping for any solutions.  Just the very BEST ride in the Galactic Fairgrounds!

Wheeeeeeeee and Yahooooooo!!!

I’ve been saying lately that I’m practicing the very advanced codependent premeditated shame guilt and trepidation of renewing family relations.

Thus clearly I need to do even more practice on premeditative peace, ease, and comfort.  To get that habit strenghtened to just be.  Be still.  Be at home.  To absorb the very present moment of power, knowing that the I AM is All There Is.

Back to my life as a tree.  Stand rooted in the sweet earth.  Pulling nourishment from within, beneath, constantly.  Still and strong.  Reaching up always, dancing with whatever wind, rain, snow that blows.  Integrity of the now.

And as a human, I bow to Pema today: Let me relate compassionately to where I am and recognize every bit of every moment and predicament as workable, enjoyable, thrilling and as a pathway to peace.

I like the story that we are courageous beings that volunteered to set our infinite spirit souls into the most tiny dear tough earth of dirt on this most astonishing planet.  And then we forget we signed up for the adventure.

Thus we surf as best we can through the seasons of lives.  Winter coldness.  Summer heat and all the rain, snow, fog and storms in between.

The center seatbelt on this ride seems to me, is to find that memory of eagerness that brought me here. The belief that this was SUCH a good fun crazy essential delightful honor to be picked.  And to remember this during the simple moments of walking down the hallway, rug and sock feet cozy, photos of my earth family on the wall, heater blowing it’s warmth.  to remember this when all alone–no one is calling for me, in the dark rainy morning traversing blinding traffic to a job that seems so desperately useless.

Those are the moments I need to remember the applause of the universe to my tiny human, merely being, life.

Praise the earth!  Hurray to my body of cells, blood muscles and bones!  Cheers to the trees that comfort me!  I lift my face to the soft showers where my Dear One nourishes me–at every turn, breath, movement, sigh.

The Tao talks about the Group Field–that emptiness and open space which is the center of power–the nothingness.  What does the day open feel like?  How is the feeling of the openness?

Today is anticipation instead of anxiety.  An open field beyond right and wrong–let us meet there.  Holding hands with each other as the grand cross of those deep passionate planets do their tango in the sky–a new season for all of the earth.  Holding hands with fear that sometimes is wide-eyed with excitement.

Divine One, I rest in Your soft strong arms and lean into Your rocking lullaby of love.

Allowing my fears just to be fears.  False evidence appearing real  Old and strong protective voices telling me to run, fight–no matter what the change is about.  Warrior habits that just don’t match the present moment.

Especially when the present moment is a quiet apartment looking out into the forest, soft whirring of the laptop and  comforting clacking keys.  Nothing wrong, nothing right–just the Way.

How not to be afraid of my fear.  How to befriend it like a tenuous new pet or a feral cat, wide eyes watching tensely from under the bushes.  Even a morsel of food sometimes won’t coax out or soothe the memories of intimate pain.

Pain really is distrust.  I’m told recently to increase my trust level with the Divine.  Well, I trust friends, but sometimes they don’t seem to keep in touch with me.

But I can’t say that about my Dear One.  She is my guardian angel.  My personal god.  There is no one else in the world but Her for me and me for Her.  Because She lives through me, as me, with me, around me, beneath me, above me, throughout every cell and breath and moment of me.

Good reminder.  Thanks.