What is the light inside of me that always wants to shine out?  And what is it about me that pulls that bushel basket over my head like the covers early summer mornings when the sun is so bright?

Doubt is a human game piece.  What’s the right thing to do?  Should I say what I feel, or do I need time to really recognize what it is that I feel that is meant to be said?  Ever since I found out about the myriad universe of feelings between being hurt and rage, I’ve been puzzled if the feelings need investigation or clarification to others?

Maybe the light of clarity is just like the seasons–sometimes clouds are just clouds, sometimes it is a long night, and sometimes the rain takes over.  But the Light is ever-present and I can feel it always warm my heart.

There are many ways that I feel called.  I have been given the trumpet in my ear, the deep glowing Divine focused-gaze and stopping-me-in-my-tracks insistent message to speak for Her.  That’s why I write here each morning–I am a flute being as open as I can to convey Her love for you.

And then there is the mundane calling of stepping up to different roles in my life.  Putting on new hats, nicer shoes, better glasses and looking into the eyes of richer men and posing solutions to normal human hysterics.  An organizer, a human wrangler, a managerial artist–you can call me.

But actually it is just the same calling–to hum a lullaby of love that soothes the soul as we traipse through the unmapped forest of other souls.  To remind everyone of the bumper car rules as we slam and scream–the rollercoaster of life is for fun, not for tragedy.  And when tragedy does hit, just sit together and weep for the dust to dust lovely bones that we are.

Always called to walk the Way.

I love that there is no such thing as time.  We fill it with stories and partition the seasons and the day into the tiniest increments that we pretend to cram filled with important matters.  HA.  It is an illusion–a hypnotic one, nonetheless–that takes us hostage every day.

So I have to watch out for the bugger of “not enough time”  or “lost time” to grab me by the heels and flip me over into hysterics.  It is amazing how we are tripped up with wires and bumps of non-reality that we make out of life.

I claim timelessness today.  There is no deadlines, I have no rules of when to arrive, no schedule of “this and that exactly at then”.  I am eternally free of time, like the insistent birds outside my window in the gray rainy morning.  They sing of the thrill of here and now.  I am the softly dancing branches of the red maple that waves to me. 

Come play with me, She says.  Let me have My Way with you in an endless divine dance.

What would it be like to be addicted to satisfaction?  Never getting enough of feeling that I have enough at every moment.   Just in each second of every day having a deep sense of fulfillment without having to DO anything?

They say if you practice sitting in the bodily feeling of happy completion–whatever that means to you–it creates a vortex of magnetic energy that draws you to–and events to you–that re-create the moment of plenty.  The world organizes itself to bring that feeling to you.  But then again, if I have the feeling inside of me, I’m already completely successful in my achievements.

The feeling for me would be sitting in front of a big window looking over my back yard of trees and flowers, a cup of hot fragrant tea at my side.  I’d be contemplating the sense of joy after speaking about my Divine connection to hundreds and thousands of people–somehow.  Looking over a crowd of faces and just channeling through to those dear hearts the immense comforter of warm love that fills my body with so much soft light that I am a firefly. 

It is the feeling that I am humming and buzzing the news of Her giggling grace, reminding everyone to dance dance dance!

The weather is another place where the “good and bad” story is told.  Oh it’s a GOOD day–it’s SUNNY!  Oh, I’m so tired of this bad (rainy) weather!

Of course there is no such thing as good or bad weather.  There is weather–and then there is our personal viewpoint of judgment placed on the magnificent immense idea called Earth.  How funny that we are so egotistical to judge the weather of this beautiful planet.

And I can bask in the rain and sit in the sun.  I can warm my face to the Light and let the mist nourish me.  I am a plant that is rooted in the soul of the soil.  I stretch up to drink in fire and water feed me, earth holds me and the breath of the Divine keeps me fresh in this paradise of Her love.

This is to the big You of me, the Presence that is not really out there, not really me, but truly Here and Now You.

What is the difference between being alone, isolated and being true to myself, ok with myself, right sized with myself?  Is it ever the case that we find a love we can talk to all the time about everything?  I don’t see that.  So where is the borderline between what I can expect from my best friend and what I can’t?  What if everyone around me seems to think differently than me?  What if I feel crazy sometimes that everyone seems to tell different stories, no matter how close we seem to stand looking at life?  What then?  What now?

Is it a silly promise someone led me to believe that love means the other person can read your mind?  And if they could, would, should, isn’t it right that they would soothe me, respond, care, and converse about the deepest parts of me?

It’s a good thing that this is to the Lady, and not my earthly love.  Earthly loves are just as distracted with their lives as I am with mine.  Funny how we are all so self-centric–and isn’t that about taking care of yourself?  So what’s a codependent to do when she wants others to be interested in her?

Hilarious once again this human life.  If we are one, who are you and who am I and where do one of us begin and the other separate and us being as one?

Ok my Dear One, I feel better now, seeing the joke in all this.  I am One with You, and I will spend the day dancing in that today.

Sometimes that’s the question for me.  Am I giving out of true heart, or do I have alternative motives beneath the surface: like looking good, or trying to get someone to fix themselves with my “generosity”.  It happens.  Sometimes without me knowing it.  “I just want to help,” is such a deceiving statement.

I’m trying to help because YOU SHOULD FIX YOURSELF!!  Or, I’m trying to help so I look like the rescuer that I am–saint that I am–codependent fixer and manipulator that I can be.

It’s hard to recognize motives when for generations maybe, they’ve been dressed up in the goody-two-shoes with frills and gloves and nodding cooing helpfulness.  “Detached loving” is a peculiar statement.  However, it’s a new theory of how to love.  Not unlike “tough love” in some ways.

How do I detach and love?  Ask questions: “Would you like a suggestion?”  “What are you looking for?”  “How do you see that happening?”  Perhaps is always better than: “What can I do to help?”  For me it is an open question that sets me up on the battlefield of fixer and victim, martyr and rescued.  Tit-for-tat just never seems to work but goes off in endless arguments of who did what for what reason and why it didn’t work and blame and shame.

Just don’t want to go there.

So today it is a breath-by-breath focus on compassionate listening.  Calm consideration.  Lots of time to meditate on ideas before choices are grabbed like the last cherry on the tree.  I allow the cherry to fall into my hands.  I allow the easy right next action to saunter up to me like my cat awaiting a rub at the ears.

I never need to ask the Divine for guidance if I am sitting in Her lap purring.

It’s sunny out today–maybe the only one for a bit, but I don’t really care.  I’ve got a sugar hangover and it is exactly like any other kind of hangover.  Down, depressed, headache, tummy unsettled, cranky, tired, and pissed off that I got myself in this stupid situation.

Craving sweets like wanting attention.  Giving myself a chocolate peanut cluster as a treat for being a good girl and attending a difficult boring family event.  And then it twists my body into a pretzel.

I breathe in the fragrance of my Dear Friend’s Presence.

My prayer for you is that you are filled with the soft pure peace and
harmony of compassion for yourself, no matter the storm around you.  The
centered calm within every cell of your body, all thoughts, all
feelings, all words and actions–that rooted strength of serenity–is
ever-present.  The Presence is a touchstone crystal within your heart
that shines light from the inside out.

And for me I claim that the Divine is all the family I need.  That I
see in everyone’s eyes the soul of goodness within each frantic human
wrap.  I am loved, lovable and loving at every movement and word.  I
carry in my heart a waterfall of goodness and ease everywhere I go.

Today is a precious gift and I can cherish each bundle of courageous earnest love around me.  I can flow with the rich river of giggling grace with delight.

I like rainy days.  Normal drizzle is the hallmark of the Pacific Northwest.  Why people move here and complain about no sun is hilarious.  Rain brings the green.  Rain also reassures me that I don’t have to be all bright and sunny and positive in a “let’s-go-to-a-big-fair-with-lots-of-people” mood.  I can allow my funky undescribably melancholy seep through and be nourished by the soft dripping wet.

Tears falling lately, in loving tribute to the family dynamic I never really had as a child–or had, but miss, or had and can’t go back.  In any case, it doesn’t exist like that any more and the little girl part of me rushes to see family and sits there watching frowns, or having a brother come in and go out of the room, feeling disconnected, like I dialed up the wrong “Leave it to Beaver” episode and we don’t ever get to the “happily ever after part”.

Gratitude will heal this, recognizing the little family I have, the chosen family of sisters and brothers that do act like they want to be with me.  I am surrounded by them.  And the trees, bushes, grass and bird chirping nagging me to be part of the Divine Family. 

But being a rainy day human, I request those signs of love from Her Majesty–signs of being in the cosmos of kisses, huge galaxy of hugs.  Show me today Lady that I am surrounded by your familial, familiar, family Love.