Sometimes we take the spectator role in the games of life.  Sitting in an arena, thousands of people jump to their feet, screaming, jumping and waving white towels furiously above their heads cheering their team to victory.

I play on small courts.  Games that I can win, like scrabble, and games of fun, like cards or dominos with others.

Some days I fold my cards and play out.  No betting, no screaming, no running around with a ball.  Like today, I just let myself be a spectator and enjoy being in the crowd watching the brilliant game of life.

She is sitting beside me, thrilled that we can sit together, and grabs me and yells: What a FABULOUS Game!

I spent hours and hours yesterday watching miles and miles of trees.  Tall skinny trees, fat thick trees, wide leaves, and needle-point.  They sweep through my mind like a stiff soft brush that massages my tired tangled scalp of thoughts.  Tingling my whole body with sweet scent of pine and tender earth of moss-rotting trunks.

I’ve seen mountain tops with scraggly scruff wirey trees holding on to indeterminate cracks in the granite rockface, wearing down millions of years of solid stone with tiny tough roots of would.

All I have to do today is be the strength of me where I am planted, eat the earth in front of me, sway in the wind of words, and breathe the Spirit that tends the World Tree inside me.

(And this is the best part that didn’t get into that poem:)

My
favorite game is when She teaches me to dance.

We
trip over our feet, stumble on each other and giggle,

Building
up to soft evenings when I let her lead.

We
are fluid movement

cheek to cheek

            fingers clasped

swaying sensuously
with

celestial music.

How can you play a game with an opponent that seems invisible?  Or that you feel sometimes you have to strain to hear or understand?

Easy.  You just play.  The pieces of my life move just fine without trying to figure it out, seek out the prior cause, explain the “why” of what happens.  Just play the cards that are dealt.  It is, after all, just one hand of the game.  You will either think you won or lost, and then we all get another deal, another set, another inning, to get up to bat once again.

And as my mom always said, “You can’t strike out unless you get up to bat.”  So catastrophizing about what might happen is another way to stay on the sidelines.  If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not taking risks.  All the skilled competitors didn’t wake up skilled, they practiced and practiced and practiced.  And then some of them got to Carneige Hall, and some of them played real good for free.

I’m off to stretch and tune up for another line up at the goal line!  My Dear Coach is screaming Her love always right behind me.

Back and forth.  Slam and catch.  Throw and dive.  Jump and hug.  Life just keeps bouncing along.  You can’t just hold the ball and expect the game to stop.  There are athletes dancing all around us all the time–on computers, the street, in the bedroom next door, on the phone.

We all desperately volunteered for this game, this tournament of roses, actually.  To come to Earth, feel the rain, breathe in the rich fragrant air and take our place at the starting gate of our mother’s womb. 

Some mornings I don’t feel stretched out, trained, and prepared for the race, the weights, the new marker competing against myself.  Today I will act like it is a game of dominos–easy and fun with friends that joke and tease me whether I win or not.  We don’t keep score.  We laugh. 

Today I laugh with the Divine Domino player who lets me think I win often.

One minute up–seeing someone’s dream come true, the next minute down–recognizing my limitations.  “Surrender Dorothy!” is a phrase that keeps coming to me.  But then I eat what I shouldn’t, get lazy when I should move, indulge instead of take action.  That’s not exactly surrender though.

Letting things go isn’t the same as making decisions.  Or is it?  If I make a decision to let something go I guess that is a release.  “No” they say, “is a complete sentence.”  But saying “no” to a boss, or to my partner, doesn’t feel very powerful.  It makes me feel less than I should be.  Or is that just codependency saying “You should be all you can be all the time for everyone.”

Now THAT’s impossible, I know that much.

Today I will ride the waves of the soft rain and let the water, tears, piss, moan, yes, no, possibilities and probabilities just flow where they will flow.  I am not in charge of the river, that’s for sure.  And I trust the River Maker, Sky Painter, Earth Tender, Life Designer, as much as I trust my skin in this life.  Lucky for me I trust Her more than my life.  I claim each minute to live my life as, for and with Her, the infinitely adored, ever cherishing Rain Giver.

What is a miracle anyway?  I was talking with a friend about it.  Is it really a cause and effect chain that is just beyond our perception?  Or is it truly the “hand of God” or angels pushing us out of the way of the car?

My point is–does it matter?  Again what is it with this persistent desire for “understanding” the “why” of things?  My mom believed in elves and angels and miracles and at one point in my life I recognized that it was more FUN to believe in fantasy or angels and miracles than spending time contemplating coincidences and causal effects back to the stone age.

What does it matter really if it was just that hesitation thinking about the rain that kept me from darting out in the street and dying in front of a fast car?  Or that if I didn’t go to that party I wouldn’t have met my partner? 

The here and now needs no explanation, just an ongoing pleasure, gratitude and cherishing of what is.  Right here and right now is a miracle to me.

Stillness in the morning air.  Quiet house.  Fat cat on the couch anchoring the calm.  No storm on any horizon.  A little breeze reminding the trees to switch colors for another season coming on the wind.

All time advancing to this now.  Going nowhere and all day to be this rooted in here.

Tiny tasks tickle me, keep me bending through the day as the blushing leaves wave at me through the window.

Cherishing like a crystal this timeless moment.  Gaia sits in Her open pose basking in Her creations that surround me and include me in this brilliant garden of life.

With a heart of love, all I can see is the love inside of the world, nature, even people.  But when I am out of love with myself, when I feel empty, everyone else looks like a dark empty shell. 

Keeping full of love so that it overflows is a regular practice for this human anyways.  Seeing through violence and despair, tragedy and loss, misunderstandings and resentments as vision out of balance is a constant challenge.

Nature helps.  A broken branch isn’t a loss, it’s a change.  A natural forest fire isn’t a tragedy, it’s a big change.  A volcano blows off the top of a mountain, life seems to stop.  Then it begins again.  Cycles within small tiny cycles that grow to magnificent cycles.

If I remember that the Divine Loving Eyes are always looking at me, with the mirroring eyes of my love, I am fulfilled.

What is that Noise!?

You are precious.

You are loved.

No I’m not!

I’m never good enough.

You are beautiful and

Clever and smart.

I don’t
believe you.

Nothing I do
works.

Each cell in your body is made of stars

Brilliant burning light.

I’m keeping this basket over my head.

It’s scary out there.

I’ve got you by the hand

Everything is easy and safe.

I can’t see
you, you’re lying.

I don’t trust
you, get away.

You are walking in a forest of flowers,

Let us take a stroll through this
garden.

All you do is hide
from me.

I’m tired of
looking for you.

I’ve set a luscious feast on this table

In my home of infinite mansions.

I can’t find
my way out of the room,

Staying in bed
with covers over my head.

I’m snuggled beside you

Your every breath is cherished.

Love hurts and

The cost is
too high.

Oh Sweet One,

Your struggle with pain and sacrifice
is

Is as valuable as gold is to a camel.

That harsh noise is your heart

Screaming to grasp my gift of freedom.

Right now.

Right here.

Listen to the music and

Do the dervish

Dance!

Dance!

Dance with me!