I’m free to be me, but that shifts constantly.  And my feelings and beliefs plague me with stories about what I am, what I do, how I should be.  Setting all this aside is not an easy task.

The Bhagavad Gita says: “The wise are ever
satisfied…Free from expectations and from all sense of possession,
with mind and body firmly controlled by the Self…they life in freedom
who have gone beyond the dualities of life..”

And I try to sit in quiet wisdom, but I am a restless anxious being, built with the idea that if I’m not “doing” something, I don’t exist.  So releasing expectations feels like it means not moving with passion.  Passion is what pushes the doing.

Even Krishna chides Arjuna to get out there and fight–live your dharma.  But don’t get into right or wrong, if you live or die, win or lose, just fight for what you think is right.  What if what you fight for seems not to work and you need to turn the corner to keep alive and feel sane?

Here’s where I intend to be today–release duality, expectations and judgments.  Watch the trees for answers–bend, wave, lose the leaves, go deep into roots.  There is no coldness.  I am never alone.

Hafiz says he starts his day seeking out love; I stumble.

I
awake and consider the ache in my body

Stiff
from being flat out

Tired
of tossing and turning for the right position

That
continually fleets away once I get there.

My
limbs get numb

Rest
only yields restlessness.

Am
I tired of the body-living thing?

Or
is it just that I’m tired.

Or
the body is tired?

It
has been years in this skin.

Focused
on love

Like
turning to the sun all the time

A
flower, a plant,

No
matter the twisting will

Turn
and turn again.

Seeking
is the secret of the universe

To
seek more, seek the sun, seek light

Seek
the bliss of being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

My
dharma.

Whether
it is being a soldier and fighting

Or
fighting the idea of war from afar.

Loving
a child or

Fighting
the love of a child away or

Loving
that child into a fight.

We
simply get twisted.

I
yearn body and soul for the simple life

To
turn my head to the sun.

Even
if it is beyond all clouds

Behind
stormy fierce-blowing winds

Sideways
rain that obscures the sight

White
blindness in snow

Frozen
forever in a glacier

To
be present in the warmth of

Love’s
breath.

To
insist on this love-infused life

I
take my direction from the trees

Grass
leaves falling

Mountain
stillness

Warmth
in your eyes within.

Life is just filled with adjusting.  Ready to send a file–nope, won’t go.  No reason, just won’t go.  Ready to copy something.  Nope won’t copy.  Even if I finally recognize a reason, can’t copy it here.  Want to cook something, get ready, nope, missing ingredients, wrong pan.  Moving forward living my life plan–whoops, nope, not that way.

The thing about hitting walls in life is the hope that I can see them coming better.  Or at least don’t have to slam into it over and over again expecting it to move “Because I SAID SO!”  Amazing the amount of control we continue to believe we have, despite all shifts in the path.

That’s why the labyrinth is such a telling illustration of life–it is one path, our feet never leave the ground, but it wanders in and out and here and there–this one path–goes to the center and out again.  No tricks really, just wandering.

The trick, actually, is to wander with wonder, not with any illusion of control.  Or you can simply roll up the rope marking out the twisted path, and be in the open field, on a hill, watching the grace of the earth’s sunrise once again.

Cherishing the day today on the Way.

There is a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It can come as you sit next to the bedside of your mom slowly leaving the world.  Or just before you hand the last piece of chocolate for your old dog to the vet who will administer his last shot.  Perhaps in the middle of screaming about traffic, there is a soft stillness of acceptance just before you open the windows and notice the scent of the pine trees lining the highway.

Near death usually bring a bittersweet peace.  I am here now, not there, then.  I have the workings of my feet and hands and heart and eyes–so far.  If I want to get tho this peace, all I have to do is to recognize the gifts that I have.  Even while I am saying goodbye to those I have enjoyed in the past that now I move move move to another neighborhood perhaps.

Every neighborhood has this peace, and I dwell in the house of my Lady forever.

I never realized that I have a right to my reality–just the way I decide to choose it.  I didn’t know I had a choice.  But by communicating to others (not mind-reading and psychic control), I can manifest a life pleases me.

But that means that I need to tell people I love that I must be sitting quiet.  I am susceptible as others to the deep material belief that there is not enough love to go around, a limited amount.  So if you are not paying attention to me, but something else, you have taken my love and spent it on others.   If I spend time simply transplanting a flower, or vacuuming my home, folding towels or sitting and reading a book of god’s love for the fifth time, it doesn’t mean my love for you has ever changed.  In fact, filling myself up with the love of sweet soft quiet time, means more runs over for others.

As Yogananda I think once put it, it is like whining about an empty thimble without clear water (love) and standing with my feet in a rushing gurgling crystal clear endlessly flowing river of love.

I choose to be filled all day today with that sustaining water of Her Love.

How to seek and find refuge in the Divine with all the noise going around me every day.  From chanting in the car during a commute, I see the brilliance of morning light over the black silhouette of the firs, the glistening of the lake, the coral shine on the mountain.  And the next mini-second I am tense in my body imagining a conversation.

Oh to see Krishna’s spirit in everything everywhere–“the taste of pure water and the radiance of the sun and moon.  I am the sacred word and the sound heard in air, and the courage of human beings.  I am the sweet fragrance in the earth and the radiance of fire; I am the life in every creature and the striving of the spiritual aspirant.”

Thus as I strive, seek, and knock, so I am inside the One I seek.  Thus my day begins within the Way.

Over the last couple of days I have been staring at the ocean waves.  Long roaring pounding foaming continuous unrelenting ocean waves.  Long “sneaker” waves coming right up to the tall coarse dune grass.  Sinking slinking waves going out pulling pounds of dirt churning into the earth.

It’s life, isn’t it?  Something building up to happen, smooth and rising, cresting and crashing and then it bumps into something else starting to get momentum.  Waves bursting into waves rising and falling.  For ever.

Somehow it makes me feel completely tiny and yet having thorough integrity as just this little me on my own dharma path.  To be me as best as it happens without excuses or regrets.

I am a perfect wave on the eternal Ocean of One.  I have the power and the depth, the fierceness and the sweet, the barnacles and the starfish.

I am not here right now.  Not here, not now.  As I write this, if anyone
does read this, I am not here writing this.  Actually that happens each
time I write this, but really, this time I will be on a sandy beach–in
a storm I hope, with blustery winds and crashing waves.

Allowing
the time to do what it will.  Nothing to do and all day to do it.  A
little vacation from the normal daily routine on the Oregon coast.  My
and my honey pie.  What a gift.

In the midst of my emotional
storm, there is a calm when I can walk into a storm of nature.  And let
nature seep into my soul through my eyes and ears and skin and hair and
face and chilly bones.  Sitting in the trees and settling into the quiet
until I hear them talk to me.

This is the peace I seek.

Tonight, Halloween, is the “hallowed evening” before a day we honor the dead.  Day of the Dead they call it in many countries.  We bless those who have gone before us, giving us life, showing us the way (or even showing us not the way!).

The longer my life, the more I recognize the gifts of honoring the dead, actually more like talking with the dead, having conversations with those on the “other side.”  They are very wise, but don’t talk much to me.  And only visit when invited. 

The spirits of my dead family and ancestors always offer reassurance and hope, kindness and support.  They remind me that this life is a gift, not a dreaded drudgery.  However it is in how I look at it.  Some days, it is recognized, I need to be in the shadow of darkness, despair, sadness and pain so the sunlight is not taken for granted.

Both light and darkness are part of this world, this journey, and today I honor the night.

Amazing how hard that is–to respect myself.  I guess looking over my life, I can see the value in my life.  But sometimes I get lost in the details and lose all perspective in any effect my little tiny cog of a life has in the whirlwind of nature and humanity.

I guess that’s why keeping in the here and now is the best focus.  Right here right now I am involved with a deep intention–to speak words of compassion for myself and the world through a connection with the One and the Way.

I sure don’t have any guaranteed ticket to be on this trip in first class, on the “right” Way, or with the “right” One.  I am just truly deeply willing to fall back into Her arms and let Her have her Way with me.