DO you ever feel totally dried up?  Like the sun has been sucking you dry of all energy?  Or in the Pacific Northwest, that you got stuck inside in the winter and like an abandoned house plant, you are limp, withered and alone? 

My feet are on the Path.  They have no elsewhere to go.  The dried reeds of summer flowers still sway in the wind with truth of being shining through dried tight bundles on tall waving stalks.  The lake glistens even in gray skies.  I breathe.

And I seek, and I believe, and I sit and I lean and I feel dried up.  I will be thrusted into the excitement of the office soon, distracted by the activity, the undone task, the interruptions, the emails the work I am called to do.

Today perhaps I hold back and sit on the next right action, the present perfect thought, and value the immediate smallest feeling.  I sense the scent of Her leaning over my shoulder with ever-Presence, no matter how my dry winter flower dances.

Days are like this.  Winter season comes.  Leaves leave.  Blood retreats to the roots, hides under the covers, and the cold rules the world.  We huddle near fires for warmth and comfort, bundle up in blankets and reticent to venture out.

It is like that this season for me.  I procrastinate, pout and stomp my feet that I don’t WANT to do what is in front of me.  I am a child at that point of needing to grow up and desperate to stay a baby in my mom’s arms.  So I cry and fuss and wail at the injustice of it all.

I am convinced that my God is the ultimate Parent, and in a kind, loving manner, just allows me my tantrum, sitting back calmly, knowing that I just need a nap.  She trusts in the deepest core of my nature to be at peace, as Spirit.  But this decision to be human is made to be distracting and tempting and hypnotic as desperate and troubled and problematic.

When it is really just a wonderful board game.  Moving pieces along just the right rules.  Winning some, losing some, playing again and again.  Sweet Heaven–I put myself on Your lap this morning, lean my tired tousled head on Your shoulder and ask you again for a lullaby.

Krishna says to Arjuna that the mind that is gifted with meditation is like “an unwavering flame in a windless place.”  Ah, to train that busy exploding mental gymnast to be a still and unmoving light, what an astounding idea.

But I am a restless human and barely am able to sit for a period without fidgeting.  I have sat in meditation for hours at a time and loved it, but these waves of discipline come and go.  I have walked for hours in nature, and that slow movement in heaven certainly brings me to an unwavering light of awareness that all is well.

All is well.  All is well.  All is well.  As St. Catherine said: In all things, all is well.

A dear friend comes to the door late one evening, sobbing uncontrollably.  Her companion cat–the noisy one–had a sudden fit and died instantly.  We held her and we talked as we all tearfully joined her in sadness.

Thank Heaven for these little beings who are nearby in every bit of our daily life.  Whether a dog we walk, rain or shine, or a cat that yells for breakfast every morning.  They are true companions and many of us seem to relate to them easier than with belief-busting, idea-bumping, passion-illiciting humans.

Here is to the little ones that love us, for their coming and going through our lives.  For the love they are made of and the love they teach us.  The Divine frosting that reminds us there is also a big cake within those little pitter patter.  That there is plenty and always love to be with us, snuggle, wag their tail delightedly–it is the delight of the Divine.

What a challenge Krishna gives me–to be unattached to the outcomes of anything I do.  Wise one’s are completely inactive and get all actions done with this kind of detachment.  How can I be cool when someone attacks me for my actions?  What do I need to believe when I often feel all my decisions are wrong, mistakes made continuously, and ineptness follows me like a dark cloud.

To set this all aside for the sweet Presence again and again and again.  It is the Father that does these things.  I am and the Mother are One.  The Light comes from within, take the basket off your lantern.  The Tao defies duality.  The sun is always shining, even when I turn my back and hide in the self-effacing darkness, covers over my head, burrowed into Your Dear Shoulder of love.

And
then the frozen fear takes over and aids the procrastination, the I don’t wanna
do anything, the mule the digging in of the heels, the want to just take a walk,
can I just take a walk?

Never enough time.  How can I believe–what’s the opposite?  I have
plenty of time to choose the right next action. 
I have plenty of time to handle the next right task. 

I have all the time in the world to sit and
envelope myself in the divine, as the Divine is endless and laughs out loud at the mere idea of time.

What I am right now doesn’t seem to be working.  It’s like trying to stuff myself into time and work a square hole when I am so round–ha–and more rounded every day!  With massive training in “your intention is your life” bullshit, I see that my frustration can yield more frustration and I need that carrot of an image showing me fitting easily and lovingly and comfortably inside my skin.

But I’m in the middle of this style change.  You can’t just throw off all your clothes and get a while new style.  There is this one shirt like this, one pair of pants, then try them with new shoes, nope, take off the shirt.  And, since I freaking HATE shopping, I do want to throw all of it out the window and stay in my old worn holey pajamas in bed.

I am a sensitive, childish, defensive person.  And lately I’m getting the message that I just have to accept the gift in that and move forward step by step by breath to embrace who I am and be it without apology.  I do feel like Arjuna–“Overwhelmed by sorry, Arjuna spoke these words and casting away his bow and his arrows, he sat down in his chariot in the middle of the battlefield.”

And Krishna said (among much other loving loving talk) and says now to me: “The wise are not deluded by these changes….These experiences are fleeting; they come and go. Bear them patiently.. Assert your strength and realize this!”

I am a bear today, asserting who exactly I am, up and down, with patience and calm.  I have the strength to lumber through the day scratching for berries.  I can rise up and roar at self-criticism and curl up around the warmth of a cave to hibernate.  I bare myself to my Divine Mother who nurtures me always.  Even when I throw myself on the floor in an exhausting tantrum.

So something is going on, I feel lost.  I know I’m not lost, I know that I’m in the hands of the Divine at every mini-second, but this human life can be hard sometimes.

If I could keep the idea of the Divine living through me, I’d be in delight at every second–trees, keyboard, keepsakes, breathing, hair, walking, seasonal changes, feelings, thoughts–all a human joyride.

But then I get trapped and ambushed by the illusion of reality: fear, worry for my children, stiff and concrete back and neck muscles, insufficiencies, making mistakes, stumbling and even simply oversleeping because I didn’t set the alarm right.  These little things can set me off.

Sweet Heaven, whisper your love to me today.  Show me the delight of your Creative Hand in everything I do, everything I see, hear and simply AM.

Surrender surrender surrender.  To the time that ticks away so fast.  To the tasks on my desk that loom and torture and snafu over and over again while my boss asks me for the next anticipated completion date.  To the traffic that simply stops.  To the people asking, to my screaming desire to run in the other direction.  To the rage that makes me want to smash my smartphone against the concrete divider in the highway while I trudge at 5 mph on the long commute home over a couple miles.

Release, let go, give it up, accept life on life’s terms.  Ha.  Why is that so freaking hard?!?!  I mean, I’m trying not to slam into the bloody wall and just turn left, but being on this twisty road I guess I ignored the sign down below “WARNING!  Primitive road–no warning signs!”  Potholes of expectations, drop offs of self criticism, narrow bridges where I have to yield to others.

Today I stop, slow down and look for the gift that calls for me to accept.  So I say in advance:

Thank you for this gift of delightful life.  Thank you for the trees that are eternal to me.  Thank you for the ability to speak.  Thank you for my consciousness to keep silent and feel Your loving hand on my shoulder, Your cool reassuring touch on my hand that we are going in the right direction and I can slow down and enjoy all these visions of You.

But when it comes to praying vs. taking a shower, what do I do.  HA, I sit in prayer. I don’t care if I’m dirty, or smelly, or messy, I need need need the connection with the Divine to move through the day.  Despite that I’m off and “doing” first thing in the morning, I know my day will move easier if I hold Her hand for a dear moment in the quiet house before dawn.

The gift of touching the indescribable peace and silk smooth comfort of Her hand, well, sit for a moment and imagine it.

There, now don’t you feel better?  Compassion and support, Presence and goodness.  I hear Her say: Everything is alright, keep your eyes on Me.  Bend, stretch, move with the wind, but you will not falter, as I have you in the dear grasp of My Hand.