Sometimes I rise to the occasion and surf the energy of the day.  And other mornings I just sit with my head in my hands and can’t move or feel any urge.  I don’t even want to go back to bed.  Just sit and wonder what’s next–what will move me next.

I know that just sitting is a guaranteed way to recognize the next action–which is usually getting food or peeing.  And I’ve prayed for motivation, inspiration and discipline and received that gift.  Then I got too busy and crashed.  So here I am seeking a new kind of balance.

Sitting in the fallow of the wave, watching the next right action come right up to my fingertips or feet.  I can feel the Divine’s sweet breath at my neck with the music of Her giggle.  She reminds me that all sorts of excitement is ahead–that we both already arranged. 

“Enjoy the quiet,” She whispers.

Feeling a bit aimless this morning. This project of taking care of myself instead of taking care of others is getting boring.  I wonder why that is?  I’m not able to automatically unlock the stiffness in my neck, the soreness in my back and the aches from sitting too much.  I violently resist exercise, have no ability to “serenely adjust myself to self-discipline”.

Taking care of others was such a purpose throughout my life, and finding my direction by bouncing off the desires of you was the way I found my path.

So my purpose today is to be aimless, to follow the next indicated action that comes right up to my feet and nudges me–without judgment or argument.  I’m on the Divine Path, I’d just rather sit all day under the trees and sketch. 

Faith flings me into the fog.

Pause to think before speaking.

Pause to settle the shoulders down.

Pause to take a drink of cool water.

Pause when someone is angry in front of me.

Pause when she is crying.

Pause when doubtful.

Pause when over-confident.

Pause when terrified.

Pause when joyful–cherish it softly.

Pause.

My back, shoulders and neck feel like I’ve been pulling a yoke with a huge load–like I’m an old yak in the mountains trudging a rocky circular path over and over again.  How can I drop this weight and release the muscle tension?!

Over and over again I hand it over and over again.  Here–you take this!  My little human body just can carry this load.  But it returns to me like a paddle board ball, hits me in the face when I’m not paying attention.  I need to slam it back out there and play the game–the object is NOT to hold onto the ball but slam it back.

I need to get better and better at ping pong.  That’s what today will be about–laughing as I play the game, testing new swings, bouncing on my fight lightly, serving it just right.  And as I can, I will step back and let the Divine Gamester take over for me and all I’ll do is watch the game.

She’s a pro, after all.

We seem to spend all of our day looking for comfort, respect and love. We want to be noticed, appreciated and honored for what we are and what we do.

The problem comes when we feel we are disrespected and dishonored.  Wow, what a fuss, argument, anger, resentment, acting out, games-playing reaction happens then–if we’re not careful.

So many spiritual systems get to the teaching that the Divine is within us somehow, that we are children of God, made in Her image, that we carry the spark of infinite love inside.  Thus with that deepest faith practiced, we’d never have to worry about what the human in front of us thinks of us.  We’d not put heavy expectations on the challenges of another, but settle into the peace inside.

Today I settle into the peace that I carry in my heart with Her love.  When I coach a staff member away from her anger, when I sit for hours in tedious meetings, when I trudge to another process discussion and disruptive disagreements–I carry in my heart Her Love.

“Perform all work carefully, guided by compassion.”  BG 3:26

So this reaffirms that if I watch for the path with kindness, it will show me the Way of grace.  Kindness implies a slow walk, where the darkness reveals the tiny brilliant tea lights along the cleared walk.  If I can’t see them, I need to stand still and let the light open up my eyes.  Let kindness overflow myself and then tumble and flow outward.

Right now it is also learning new ways to stand in the waterfall of Spirit’s compassion for the “work” of me.  Feeling the bliss of being a creature of the Creator, made somehow in Her image and likeness, just as integral to the whole cosmos as the spearheaded shoots of the crocuses pointing to the sun out of the humble dead leaves.

I open my heart to the me of the Divine so it shines out in kindness on the Path.

I will let Hafiz speak for me today:

I am somewhat of a drama girl.  Born, raised and lived that way for a long time.  Now there is not much drama.  Oh sure, work rises up a bit and I come home exhausted, but I try to stay on the fringes of that or just dive in, make a sound and go home.

But being an addict, and maybe a drama addict, when there is no stirring up around me, when simple satisfaction or a restful day comes along, I feel at loose ends.   My intention is for these days to be full of grace, and right now, I’m working through the feeling of inertia, being down, being stuck.  I guess I connect it with not being loved, because I’m not DOING for someone else.

Habits are hard to break, and doing for others as a habit is an endless useless chase after a reward.  Today I will let the next right action come up to me, and look around at the grace that gratitude reveals to me.

Feeling particularly inert this morning.  Not down, not up, going through paces.  Going back to bed under the covers sounds nice.  No big trauma; lots of loose ends.  Little motivation, discipline or inspiration.  How’s that for a human moment?

Do saints get these lulls, or are they always in the light of bliss?  Or in the  pains of martyrdom and suffering.  Dunno.

But if I surrender, I am more teachable.  Even if my heart is dull and snotty, if I open my eyes and watch what is around me and see the next right action come right up to my feet, I can witness the grace of gifts that are ever-present.

Gratitude, that’s what will be my day today, filled with appreciation of the little things: a big warm sweatshirt, little notes from family and friends, fingers that work on the keyboard, a glass of milk, a happy healthy house.  The little things will guide me today.

My mantra has been–over and over again–easy comfortable flow.  And then around me I hear and feel big bumps.  Bump and roll, drop and roll, rock and roll–I need to open to the next indicated action with gentleness.

Kindness can show the Way–even if I have to stand very very still in the dark to finally discern the tiny tea lights that mark the Path.  Stillness helps to hear where the next step is indicated.

Being so interested in other people, trained to help other people, I am so easily distracted by others.  Today I claim the universe within me, that everyone is a sign to me of more kindness and self-compassion.  If I fill up with love in me, I cannot help but overflow to others.

Therefore I take care of me–and thee–today, resting in the easy flow of goodness around, within, surrounding, above, below and inside me.