Whenever there is something that a part of me wants to do, and another part of me just refuses to go there, I’ve got an invisible story blocking the way.  It’s pretty hard to figure out how to get rid of the barrier if you don’t know that you don’t know about it.  I just keep bumping into something and believing it’s a wall and won’t move.

But what if it was a story that isn’t true?  A lie that is keeping me from moving around more freely.  Part of me just doesn’t care.  Perhaps it is the dirt inside of me that would be grateful to lie on the earth and be mixed with tree droppings, animal fur and snuggling seeds.  Just let me be here and I will be nurturing soil.

But another part of me knows I am human, walk the earth and have choices to make with this silly thing called free will.  I question my choices, wonder about what I bump, and frustrated to be two voices pushing and pulling.

Leaning on You, the Presence, i claim ease and groundedness here and now.  I am the rich soil and I am a point of action.  I rest until ready and I move with clear power.  This is the truth I carry, while grasping the hand of Faith.

Like the gnostics, I have to let go of mental understanding.  Cause and effect, the “why” of people’s behavior, mostly.  The reasoning behind meditation, spirituality, gods and goddesses, Tao and dieties. 

I don’t understand the green of the forest, or the brilliant color of flowers, or even electricity, but I certainly enjoy it, lean on it and depend on it. 

The teaching then, is to just lean on my Angel, Goddess, Presence–without understanding.  And to go with the Flow of the Way–no need to ask questions.  I’m on a “need to know basis”.  Clearly, if I don’t know, I don’t need to know.

Knowledge does nothing in most situations.  Awareness of choices–now that’s another thing all together.  “Know Thyself” says the Sphinx.  Timeless guidance.

Only by changing can we meet the flow of the Tao.  The river rushes over rocks until the rock polishes or rolls off, the river never hesitates to dance to a new tune instantaneously. 

I am not so quick to change, but am called again to bow out of my bloated self to twist and turn.  I am amazed at my monkey mind worried about what people will say.  Words do somtimes bump up against old walls of expectation.  I’m not supposed to need to go that way!  It will look demeaning.  And not allowing for the Way will twist me in a knot and I will be stuck.

Bend and flow say the trees to me each day.  Let the wind be your lover, the river move you, slow then fast then slow again.  Only creativity can match the yearn for Her Dance.

I will waltz my Lady, I will jitterbug–teach me a new dance.

In the midst of the cultural call to be “normal,” those who follow the Tao seek to open my life as I allow the Way to move me.  The river of life can show me unlimited possibilities for each moment, soothing me with examples.

The trees bend in the wind, but do not move to another yard.  The bushes let the racoons push them here and there, but do not need to find another forest.  The ever-present grass is thick and resilient to my trudging steps. 

I bow to the wisdom of the Divine Path around me, rushing rapid rivers, endless deep dark misted mountains, silent gray-green winding lake.  I breathe in the grace in gratitude.

So, after one of the most pointed, critical and, in some cases, seemingly completely untrue work performance reviews, i have much to ponder.  How to take the high road?  What is the high road?  And how to avoid the warriors instant images of retaliation and resentment.

The Tao talks about achieving clarity of the heart and mind through meditation, that focus of the truth beyond the here and now gives us peace. 

Yesterday was the celebration of my birth–so many undisclosed years ago.  I need to be born again.  And again.  And again.  Into the Heart of the One.  Into the flow of the Way.

Ha–how’s that for a title?  The Tao tells us that when we meditate, we have to set aside “getting somewhere” with it.  Ambitions will actually be a barrier to any accomplishment.  if we set aside our goals and expectations, the experience of the Divine will show itself.

Being human with this mind that constantly judges and compares, this is not an easy practice in day-to-day office/shop living.  We have performance reviews that compare our work to our goals–which often have drastically changed for a number of reasons from when we set them.  And we set them so earnestly to show our hard work; then work gets in the way.

I now set aside all calculations of succeeding in order to feel the Divine beside me as i walk through the halls, sit behind my desk coaching, questioning and directing, and as I breathe through every plan dissolving in my face. 

Instead I open the eyes of my heart to Your Presence that fills my room with the fragrance of wild roses.

So that famous Serenity Prayer ends with asking for the “wisdom to know the difference” between being serene with acceptance or courageous for change.  So how the freak do we get this so-called wisdom?!

I heard that wisdom was described as intelligence with love.  I think it is only see with proof–that is after I’m serene with acceptance or courageous to change–only myself–then the wisdom is apparent.  Maybe it’s another one of those God jokes: seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive.  It is in the seeking that one finds, the asking that one receives. 

Maybe it is in the practice of serenity accepting others and the courage changing ourselves that we are living examples–or feel the effect–of wisdom.  I know I don’t feel wise, but I am endlessly grateful for the Divine support to be accepting and have the courage to find new ways to change only me.

Sweet Lady who takes me on a divine magic carpet above my fears, I bow to you forever.

Keeping me awake at night are thoughts plaguing me about the future, how do I work around the furious changes in my office that puzzle me.  A peer acts bizarrely and I need to work with her, create a collaborative atmosphere and not get down in the dirt fist-fighting tit-for-tat.

Exploring compassion in the rapids of the flow.  Being serene and above it, taking the high road, watching for the rocks ahead as best I can, being prepared for hidden traps and laughing them off. 

I guess it’s my river today, exploring deeper ways to be kind and compassionate.  To give acceptance, consideration and respect as i would like to receive it.  Sometimes it feels like planning a path down a crushing rushing spring swollen river and I have no doubt I will be bumped.

I put Kwan Yin in the front, with a cosmic paddle, we are both outfitted with life preservers and all sorts of rescue devices.  She squeals and screams with terrible excitement.  No matter what, I am perfectly safe.

I toss between them some days.  Frustrated that things don’t go my way–not even sure what my “way” is on the human scale.  I don’t do much preplanning along those lines since I know the universe is in natural organized chaos–completely beyond my understanding. 

Then reverence for all things, every moment, each precious person, action and thing allows me to feel like being on this planet was a reward and a gift I begged for.  All confusion and unease is merely a color of this here and now.

Allowing these two energies to co-exist is like having a god and believing in the Tao at the same time.  My personal Dear One meets me on the human scale with compassion, comfort and kindness.  She is near me, behind me, embracing me whenever I ask for that awareness.

However, the Tao is bigger than my personal god, it is the flow of all seasons, cycles and cosmos.  Perhaps there is a god beyond that, but there will be a flow behind that god.

Luckily, I am a human and spirit, so I can choose either thought to soothe my day.  The Dear One holds me as I flow along the river Way of the Tao.

I think that’s a verse in a song.  I have the words taped to my computer monitor at work.  Day by day to be nearer, dearer to the Presence. 

But today my old body is tired.  I spent much of the night indulging in distracting action movies.  I am plagued recently with the thought of how much I should do and how long I have lived without huge accomplishments.  Coming up to a birthday always gets the monkey-mind reeling with “what I should be” at “this” age.

A long walk in a brilliant forest of magnificent trees hundreds of years old beside a raging infinitely roaring river has reminded me how very tiny a being I am floating on this exquisite planet. 

I reach out for the Dear One who whispers songs of the Way in my pouty ears “You are loved.  Life is a blessed event.  There is no where you need to go.  Enjoy the ride.”