God Knows, after all.  So following Her Nose makes sense on those days that nothing seems to inspire, the doldrum of the human ant’s life whines endlessly before and behind me.  So I allow the Divine to play the human game through me.  What would She want to do if She were me for a day.

When I release myself into the nothingness that is reality, and leave all my stories behind, I am freed from the stories.  But it is a difficult practice, as the stories stick to me like marshmellow fluff, sweet and pervasive.  It needs a concerted effort to wash these old tales of adventure and woe off my sticky brain.

So today I let the breeze go through me without a barrier.  Open inside forever.  Letting the spring mating furiously singing birds fly through me, the bumblebees humm as they lick the sticky sweet love from Her Lotus within.

The Tao shines from the inside out–making me, they say, radiant.  My feelings don’t feel radiant, they feel like sludge.  or the May mud that shows up in untilled gardens.  Flowers always seem radiant–and trees–even if they are shedding or dying or white washed bones along the rocky shore.

Nature is natural radiance.  I should take a tip from these non-thinking, non-feeling ever-brilliant beings.  But I’m a human this time, and cranky, self-righteous, pouty, snotty, wanting things my way, despite hills, tides and landslides.

So today I follow my God nose-since God knows.  Sometimes She doesn’t tell me clearly though.  Sometimes my pouting gets in the way of hearing and seeing her path.  I’m a human, remember, not a soft fawn tracing steps to the river.

There’s my prayer today.  That if I am still on the Way, I will hear the rushing river, gurgling creek and tinkling waterfall of Her Love–giggling as she plays hide and seek with me.

Supposedly they are the sam.  One of the definitions of acceptance is to receive a gift.  But accepting bad news or a disruptive change in my life does not feel like receiving a gift.  And it can take some time for me to feel that way.  Or try to adjust my attitude to feel that way.

But change simply happens.  People move, trip plans change and my  motivation for throwing money at it (as if I could) to change it–won’t change it.  It is me that has to change.  And that aches.

So I will take some time to ease into this difference, honor the love that shows itself in sadness and tears.  I have space to go through the stages of acceptance: resistance (which, of course, is futile), anger, bargaining (that’s where I am now), wrestling, struggling (two of my own stages), sadness and resolution to a new stand on the earth.  Until a quake shifts me off balance again.

The trees are eternal.  The earth will be at my feet forever. 

Thanks for a good job, sustenance plus, friends, the earth, weather that nourishes me, a cranky stomach and this table.

Tea, drapes, paper, Quan Yin, flowers, mugs, scooters, fanny packs, dogs, brothers and placemats.

I appreciate TV, the off button, couches (and look forward to a new one), and the ability to share my story with others who might be sometime seeking hope in recovery.

and all who wander through this day are definitely not lost.

Wander, wonder thankful

Too much to eat last night–chocolate truffle making class has done me in.  I had too much.  And now I feel not enough, empty, aching, dull-witted. 

The constant mental plague of humans is that “I’m not enough.”  Funny how when we feel this way we indulge in anything we can get our hands on.  Trying to fill a spiritual hole with material like food, clothes, other bodies, money, accolades.  And the more we imbibe, grasp and scramble, the more gaping that inner abyss of emptiness.

Thus I sit opened up, split and gaping, a cavern of space.  May this be an open field.  Allowing for rich dead loam of the past to fertilize me.  Ready for seeds to root and grow.  Wildflowers to roam.  Bees to nestle and buzz.  And grace to flower.

I like the house in the morning–stillness.  Sound of rain dripping outside.  Clock ticking.  Cat scratching.  “Be still and know” rings so true.  The troubled waters will naturally clear if the turbulence simply ceases.

And this is the time I practice the pause that refreshes.  Just sitting.  Allowing the Path to surround me in gratitude and brilliance.  Soaking up the goodness of the now.  Breathing in the peace of the here.

I crystalize this moment in my heart, my eyes and my limbs, taking it with me–a moveable altar.  I bow to the Lotus Within.

I have altars here and there around the house.  Little gatherings of tribute to remind me of the Divine in my every day all the time, as I move through the house is with me.

On this table-we call it the dining room table, but we rarely eat here–is a statue of Quan Yin with her robes flowing out into the breeze, her eyes cast down and her hand pouring out her endless compassion.  She stands two wide petaled lotuses resting on turbulent waves.  She is ever at peace.

Next to her is a card handmade by my brother in prison, the colors of the Eye of Horus cut from tiny pieces of magazines, with a border of many patterns and a deeply touching poem of how now he can see clearly. 

Scattered at the Goddess’s feet are two little laughing elephants, a frozen starfish, two pinecones and a handful of soft round rocks.  These are fresh rocks from the beach on Whidbey Island.  And as always, there is a vase of flowers, a symbol of my eternal bowing to Her grace.

I wish I was like the Little Prince.  He chased the sunset around his tiny planet. I would follow the sunrise.  Darkness yielding a soft eastern light.  Coral clouds turning into bright angel dances.  Blue dark, mysterious, then baby egg soft shell.  Birds frantically excited as if it is the first dawn.  Silhouettes of pines brushing the air for the arrival of the star.

And then there is light.

Once again the day is to follow my faith in filling up with the Divine and letting it move my feet and hands.Filling up and overflowing.

The Tao doesn’t care, as it is merely a Way.  But how to walk this path?  Motherhood, survival, employment–all handled.  Now time shrinks and looms simultaneously.  Passions dry up like a puddle in a drought.  And living a life based on demands and passions now seems a withering legacy.

Helping others has been my default motivation.  I am forced these days to re-think that urge–is it for me, or them, and what about me?  Tiresome thoughts that trip me into escapism.  I just don’t have the muscle build-up for goals, never had the training, am ok with the end of the game, not keeping score.  Much.

So today I release all reins on how I am supposed to be, feel, what I’m supposed to do and let my God Nose–God Knows–lead the way.  I trust Her, I love Her, I lean on Her as my Divine Purpose.  Besides that, Her giggle entices me.

A wonderful weekend of sitting in my bliss–time disappearing, reminding those who sit at my table of the love, possibilities and brilliance of themselves.  Tired bones that are not quenched with rest.  Pruning the rose bushes in warm spring sun, cutting them back for beauty and strength  A movie with my honey. 

Now the depths of doldrums.  Pulling reluctant body to face my place as cog in the works of humanity.  I am the center of the spirit and matter–still so very new at this play game.  I hear the birds, watch the bright open dandelions I pull from my lawn and bow at their wisdom.

Sweet One, let me face Your shining light.  Show me Your everpresent nourishment deep inside me.  And please today, let me not take myself and my sluggish body too seriously.