3/27/08

Today
is about acceptance.  Accepting that
there is an insane over-protective voice–at least one–in my head “trying to
help me get better, survive, do it right, etc.” 
The part to accept is that it is a voice, not a command.  Screaming at anyone never really helps, and nagging
isn’t effective either.  Always focusing
on the negative leaves such a sour taste in my day.  So part of me wants to say: back the FUCK
off.  But then it just says:  See?! 
I told you that you were rude, incapable, insufficient, stupid, angry,
etc.

Accepting
that it is merely a suggestive voice–an opinion of the best next action–could
help.  Sure, isolating in my home, not
answering the phone, being sullen and feeling stupid is an option.  But is it my choice?  Ohm  the practice of that pause, that tiny and
thankfully slightly longer pause every day to recognize that there is a
difference between reaction and a choice of action.  Considering a choice for action
doesn’t even mean action, it means looking at the options and recognizing–for
that moment–a choice that looks good among the options.

Another
choice would be getting up 15 minutes earlier each day (JEEZ DON’T I GET UP
EARLY ENOUGH AS IT IS?!?) and sitting for a brief meditation review like
this.  It’s not about sharing the Divine
Word, it is about feeling it as I express it. 
Feeling it through my cells, my heart, my mind–soothing my tortured
freakazoid addict mind–as I put it in words on the screen, paper, voice.

Because
there is another voice that intrinsically whispers more acceptance, allowance
and gratitude.  The voice of the deepest
knowledge and intuition: The One.   That  Beloved Light Within that shines through the
anguished questioning doubting terrified human stuck-on-the-earth, afraid of
the dark, dragons everywhere–human. 
Uniting with some thing, someone, some higher vision, power or more
beautiful essence truly is the gentle holding of my hand, accepting that even
my tiny little girl facing the street can reach up, hold on, and feel that
tender connection that adores me, watching for the cars and leading me through
the abyss.

Today
today today, as I face that broad street of ambiguous boss, twisted projects,
bumping personalities, chilly weather, and my skin that trembles in doubt, I
now claim that when I look up there is the Perfect Grandmother who works out,
strong and warm, that reaches for ME, her hand so very near, and I am never
alone and exquisitely loved.