Compassion and detachment–seem like opposites to me, but
promoted as the new human goal.  So
sitting on the bedside, ready to switch gears to work, a could loose ends
threatening to unravel in my brain.  The loved one sits up with anger, frustration, excitement–focused,
determined, empassioned. 

Let me backtrack.  I’m
in training these days in relationships. 
My early exposure was distorted by a deep desire for attention aimed at
parents whose own attention deficit distracted them.  Short attention spans were certainly given
to me.  But whether it was their modeling,
or my reaction and perception of their modeling, it is clear that I want to
relate in a different way.  I want to be
loyal, attentive, caring, but not condescending care-taking, pitying or cold.  My goals are to be completely present,
authentically honest and conscientious of the intention to deepen rather than
be distracted.

So, here I am ready for work, taking care of myself,
right?  And the blazing eyes are firing at me with one of those heavy silent area bombs that spread through the room with a
scary empty anticipation.  Time for sitting and listening.  While I try figure
out which shirt to wear, consider the cold, wonder if it is snowing, flipping
back and forth whether to take the car, skimming over the highlights of my day
in regard to what I’m going to wear, who I’m going to meet with.  And back to intense attention to the partner.

I can never reach in there and calm the turbulent
moment.  My ideas repeated for years can
not be expected to suddenly yield that lightbulb “Aha!”  These feeling are NOT about me
helping with a solution, they are feelings. 
What the heck do partners do with another’s feelings?  Listen and try to keep my mouth shut.  But encouragement should be in there
somehow.  Most of the time my
encouragement comes out as a suggestion to be positive, lighten up, look at the
bright side, you are already a success. 
It doesn’t seem to hit the mark.

And maybe that’s it–that I have to stop being so
climactic–thinking I can say just the right thing, make a distinct difference
in a brief conversation.  It actually
isn’t about a conversation.  It’s about
just simply being attentive.  Somehow
reaching for the presence of love that I didn’t feel from my folks (7 kids, low
rent, multiple jobs–honest distractions).

So today, it is about compassion without solutions.  Tonglen, I think the Buddhists call it, when
you take another’s assumed feelings (do we every really know what another is
feeling), or being completely open to the person’s feelings, and letting them
go through us like a wind.  Allowing
their present moment to be our present moment, to brush away all of the past
future and personal moments that clutter and separate us from another.  Ahh, a life time’s practice.

I am at One with you as One. 
And just thoroughly being At-One, somehow, is that compassionate
detachment.